This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Pretty much. 🤣
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Godspeed, John Glenn
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!