If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!