FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.