TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.