Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.