Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
no one likes gloating
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
“That’s what” – She
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.