Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
fixed it
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
just got my engagement photos
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.