There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
You Might Also Like
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.