Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.