This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I have many caverns
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!