I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.