Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.