magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.