Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Dammit Chief not again
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
got so much cardio in today
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?