So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!