Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.