Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I don’t hate children, just yours.
lol
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*