Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.