it must be school picture day
You Might Also Like
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Sorry. Not sorry
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.