me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.