Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
doing some research
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer