Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.