Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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