Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face