my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
#Caturday
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.