[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”