Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok