Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.