BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.