When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.