“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.