Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
j o i m p
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The first matador
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.