Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
lost dog
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago