“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
You Might Also Like
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral