You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
How funny!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”