I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
You Might Also Like
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Succinctly put.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store