“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
i baked you a cake
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.