[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Good morning, Twitter 😊
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library