I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.