Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?