Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
They got Raph!
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
You deplete me
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.