*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously