Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.