Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest