coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
58.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.