#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
🤣🤣
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt