For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
the red hot silly peppers
his wife is probably gonna see that
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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