Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Milk Cube
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.