my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
#parenting
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.