The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You Might Also Like
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—